Balloons and feelings....

Ever thought about a deflated balloon. Probably not. When the balloon is at it's greatest, full of air, floating and being bounced around, it was in it's peak. Souring and making other's smile and laugh while they try to keep it up in the air. Or helping decorate a house for celebratory reasons. Either a balloon gets popped or they gradually wither away. The end product is a wrinkled, slimy, sad looking product that no one looks at twice. I feel that deflated, withered, useless feeling at times.

Thoughts of confusion, frustration, irritation at myself. Am I at a standstill? Am I making my circumstances? Are choices I made not the ones I should have made? Two weeks ago, it was a hard week of disappointments and frustrations. Those times come but they also go. I cannot wait till they go. They will be back again but I need my motivation back. I need to somehow get out of this funk that I am in.

Holidays are coming. I am not one of those that is looking forward to them. I am scrooge. Call me Scrooge Hannah. When you can't be with family, it is really hard to be excited for any of these upcoming holidays. I don't want people to expect me to be happy. I will put on my "happy" face for others, but inside I am crying.

I do not want or need anything for Christmas. All I would like to have is to be with my family. I would ask for no gifts for years on end to be with my family this holiday.

I have to admit that it is hard for me to see families during the holidays. It makes me have to hold a tear, and hold back a sob at times. I loved those days with my families. I would be able to curl up against my parents and just be content and feel completely safe, and that all is right in the world. Here, on my own, feels more like I am out in the cold, scared and alone.

As I am sounding really down and depressed, I am grateful that my older sister will be with me. It is hard for both of us to be away. We would rather Christmas day to just be another day, nothing special, no missed family. I guess I have come to realize how much I treasured Christmas with my family, because it is the hardest holiday to get through for me. It becomes a battle I need to conquer every year. I am told that at least I have my sister with me, in which I am thankful for. It has been us two for the past 4 years. We are both struggling through these upcoming holidays.

It is going to be tough working at the bakery this Christmas holiday. Everyone coming with their Christmas cheer, preparing baskets upon baskets for gifts to all. All the decorations to be seen. I will stay strong. I can't wait till January and everything calms down and it can be normal days of being far apart. The normal day to day, where I am still the same long distance away from family is more bearable then the Holiday season.

I am a puzzle....

A torn, confused puzzle. Puzzle pieces spread on the table. My life is a puzzle, and that most of my pieces are spread on the table and not yet connected. Each piece is an experience, a gift, a characteristic, a talent, a past, a present, a future. Most are disconnected. Some of the pieces have been pieced together. Mainly the past. The present and future are still the disconnected, unknowing pieces on the table. God knows the complete picture at the end of the road. The process of getting the pieces connected is a journey full of joy, sadness, gratefulness, hardships, obstacles and many life lessons. How I am feeling right now is that some of those pieces that I thought were connected and made sense, are now being torn and broken apart again. Am I putting the wrong puzzle pieces together? Should I be putting other ones together? It is a good thing that I am not the one putting the puzzle together, but it makes me wonder if I still am trying to put it together by myself. What will my picture look like when it is all connected?

"Where Do You See Yourself 10 years from now?"

Have you been asked the question "Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?" It is very probable that you have, just as much as I have been asked that. I was driving down this beautiful, windy road and contemplating on life (I tend to do that when I am amongst beautiful scenery.) That question popped up in my head. Here are my thoughts:



When can I stop answering that question, and actually have some of those things I want to see happen within those ten years happen? Let me explain. 10 years ago, I would be fifteen. I am quite sure I was asked that question at some point in my fifteenth year of life. What I might have said then, I am pretty sure is not what I am doing now, ten years later. Does that mean I am a failure or that I was very inaccurate in what my hopes and dreams were. Possibly a mixture of both. Or my direction that I am going now is on a better track than what my fifteen year old self could think of at that time. I am still unsure as to what option to pick for what I am doing now. Even now, when I am asked that question, I still say a lot of the same things I said when I was fifteen, with some added points, as I have learned more about myself and my gifts. But there are some primary points to my list that have not changed. These points have not changed and I am no where near having those accomplished. Basically, I am not married and therefore not starting a family at this point in my life. I did not picture that 10 years ago. I at least pictured myself moving towards those things by now. Apparently I am a snail in the way of life and some things will not come to me as quickly as I had expected.



I am accomplishing a lot and finding new things about myself and what I enjoy doing. Playing and teaching piano is really becoming a big joy in my life, and am very excited to have students and to be able to inspire them with the love of music. I do not know where I will be 10 years from now, but I sure hope it will not look the same as it does now. Not that the present is bad, it is just definately not where I want to be 10 years from now, and I know I have some new things added to my list for the next 10 years.

The way I list things is not put in an order of importance.

1) No more loans from school

2) Overseas (Europe or Asia)

3)Married

4)Children

5)Music and Art a part of my life in ministry or business (both)

Can I be a child again?

Have you had one of those days where you think back on the day, and imagine what your day would have actually been like if you were a child again? The day could have been like this:
Mom or Dad comes in and wakes you up, and you eat yummy home made french toast, and then you and your siblings ride bikes to school (I am basing this in Japan, since that was my lovely childhood). Then you go to school and play with your friends and learn. Eat a yummy lunch made from mom from leftovers from dinner before. School is over and you rush back home to eat the afternoon snack mom has prepared and practice piano and play with your siblings. Sitting around the dinner table with your family, having the lovely conversations and insights from family members. Laughing at Dad's jokes and hearing about each others days. Helping clean up dinner and possibly watching the one English show on TV or going on an evening stroll around the neighborhood. Going grocery shopping as a family, biking, playing games, singing as a family. Going to our family's friends to hang out with. (All these things would be options, not all these can happen in one day). That sounds like a much better day then the day I had today.

No one should rush their children out of childhood. Ever. I am glad I wasn't rushed, but it still went fast. But I know I wanted to grow up at times, stop being treated as a child. So it is a bittersweet idea of being a child again. When I have children, I want them to enjoy being a child and using their imagination as best they can. Children should look their age, not look like they are five years older. I wonder if children growing up at faster rates, but not seeing the maturity level when they reach adulthood, has something to do with growing up faster then need be. I have been finding that there are a lot of rough obstacles adults have to go through, and it makes it more hard to enjoy the simple things of life, and dance to a music beat, and sing a happy song, and skip along the sidewalk. But those are some days, but then there are other days that are better, and where you really can be your inner child. I will wait and enjoy those days. The rough days is what makes me want to go back to being a child. I did not think that things would change when I was a child. But they gradually did. I did not get a sudden lightning bolt of change, and boom: everything's changed. It just happened, small and big changes, coming at you in various degrees. It may not have been apparent while growing up, but when you look back you realize the change.

Here's a thought of a very minor change: I remember playing on McDonald's playground growing up. Well I did not think, oh I am now too old and too big to be allowed to play on the playground at McDonald's. I never thought about it, but there was a time and age when I stopped doing that. I would not be able to tell you the day and time I stopped. But it did end. That's a very minor change, but it is a change. There are many other changes, but I will not bore you with all of them. You could write an example of a change from childhood to growing up in your own life.

Living without Restraint

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EyI4p0yjDQ

Watching this music video, I think of these older generation, finally living with "no restraints". Could it be that they had grown up with so many restraints, expectations, pressures that this is their act of "rebellion" against what the world expects of them. I would like to think so. I say this because being boxed in can be a prison in itself. Be yourself, be what God has called you to be, and don't be otherwise. It takes up to much precious time. I just find that the message of this video is to live, be yourself and not to let your age govern who you are to be.

I also like how this video shows the young of heart in everybody! I definately want to be young at heart when I get to be that age. There is a time to be serious and a time to laugh. I hope that the times of laughter come up more in my life then the serious.

The Intrigues of Houses

The long awaited blog on houses I had promised to put fourth after my previous blog about road trips.

Going on car rides, sitting in the passenger seats, looking out the window, besides looking at nature I enjoy looking at houses. The most fascinating houses I love to find are those that are old and worn down by stories, history and a whole lot of weather. I look at those and wonder what was the history of it, what went on behind those walls, what type of families lived there. Were they happy and content with their home or was their life a sad, hard life. I do not know why this fascinates me to think and wonder about but it definately kept me entertained on car rides.

New houses also intrigue me. I want to know how the house looks on the inside, how it was designed, what does a family do with such a big house or not so big of a house. Are those that have these huge mansions truly happy? I have to watch myself to not get dreamy about houses and wanting to own a house one day. I really do not think I want to own a house until I am settled in the country I am to live in. Owning a house may never happen for me and that is fine with me. I have lived like that my whole life, moving around, being in many different houses all around the world. It seems to give more travelling opportunities.

Of the many different houses we lived in around the world, my favorite house to have lived in, even though it was for a short time, was the farmhouse in Switzerland, set up on a hill with mountains as our backyard. A stream was across the road and down a field of flowers for my sisters and I to play in. It was a big, Swiss brown farmhouse that a family rented out to missionaries that would come back from the mission field. We lived amongst farmers and would have cows, goats, sheep, dogs, cats, horses all around us. We also had a barn, but it was not in use as we were not farmers and neither were the other missionaries who had lived there prior to us. We had a really nice room that had a big loft and it was our playroom. I remember I had my own room, because whenever we were on furlough I would request to have my own room, because my elementary years spent in Japan, I would always have to share a room with my little sister (which was fine, there are many fond memories from sharing a room, but I do have to admit, we did not always get along). So on furlough years, my older sister would room with my little sister. We had a really big back yard that was fenced in by an old wooden fence as well as a huge field that no farmers used, so we would run around in that field. We were there in the spring and summer and so it would not get dark till after 10pm, meaning that we were able to play outside for a long time after dinner.

We owned two rabbits that we named Daimond and Jewel while we were there, and I think my sisters and I decided that we did not care for having rabbits anymore after that. We had these two sparrows that we named Freddie and Francine, that would every morning around the same time come down to our door and knock at the door with their beaks, if we had not already put out our bread crumbs for them to eat. In Switzerland you eat lots of bread, jams, honey for breakfast and for our evening meals, it would be the same except adding some meat to it. Lunch was the big meal of the day. I enjoyed that schedule of eating very much.

A house that filled me with many fond memories of those days. Those were the carefree days of my childhood. We were "homeschooled", and many days when it was "recess" time I would wander off down the road, passing farms and just enjoying the nature around me, forgetting that I was to return to do school work. One day I was walking along and a field of goats had some new born kids (baby goats). They were so cute and I started feeding them grass from the other side of the fence. They got excited, and since they were so small (probably a day old) they got under the fence and onto the road. I managed to push one back onto the other side of the fence but the other one wandered down the road. So I thought of how to pick up a goat. I thought of pictures of Jesus carrying lambs. And so I attempted to do that. I did not have the goat behind my head, but I did manage to carry it and put it back to the other side of the fence. We made friends with a nearby farmer, and his family let us come and milk the goats and learn about the farm. We also only had a 20 minute walk to a castle, so we would take many evening walks to there. There were these two families that were cousins that lived across the road from eachother. The story is that two sisters married two brothers (and either the two sisters or two brothers were from or lived in Canada). We would play with their children a lot. Since we did not speak a lot of german and they did not speak English we spoke what we knew, especially the words "Want to play hide and go seek tag?" We had a lot of fun playing with them and they had this awesome Bernese Mountain Dog named Bathseba who would follow us home all the time. She was the dog that made me fall in love with that breed.

Every spring the farmers take their calves and move them up to the high mountains, to help the cows build durability and strength. They actually asked us to come with them. It would be this really long hike up to the mountains herding the calves. My sisters and I were really excited and really wanted to go, but for some reason we thought it was going to be on a tuesday, and our parents took us on a day trip on the monday before the hike. When we returned at night, we saw all this cow dung on the ground and knew they had already hiked the calves up the mountains. Needless to say we were very dissapointed that we missed out on such an amazing opportunity. It was a great location to live in, and even though it was for a short time it was filled with many great memories and showed our family the idea of what it would have been like to live in Switzerland as a family.

I get carried away thinking of stories. I went off on a tangent. It is amazing how one house can bring up many memories and stories. You should see how much a home of yours brings up memories to your mind. Write a memory of a house that comes to your mind! I would love to hear about them.

A Road Trip Observer

I have been on many road trips throughout my life. Being a missionary family, we had many supporters, churches and places to go in Switzerland, America and Japan. I have also been able to travel in other countries, going on road trips. I can remember traveling in New Zealand from Christchurch to Invercargill. It was a nine hour road trip and I do not think I slept for any of that trip. Beautiful landscape beckoned me to stay awake to look upon God's creation so vast. There were mountains, hills, fields of sheep, and houses different from Japan (I was fifteen, and Japan was my point of reference. And to be honest, still is) Then there was the road trip from London to Peterhead, Scotland (a fisherman's village with the best Fish N' Chips). The rocky hills and rolling, green hills was a sight to be seen. I can look and be forever entertained among God's nature.

Having been on road trips in different countries, I notice that highways in America (at least on the east side) have hidden scenery. Mostly what is seen on the highway are trees and more trees. I know that there is something beautiful out there to be seen, but covered by vast amounts of trees, it kind of diminishes the excitement and entertainment the "hidden" beauty of America could show. The highway's in Switzerland, Scotland, New Zealand, Japan, etc. I was able to see more than just a line of trees. Now there are back roads in America, and that is when you are amongst the beauty of America. I need to take those routes more often, as a passenger of course. If I drove, I would probably lose track of the road ahead of me.

I remember as a child I was perfectly content to look out the window of the car, as we would spend many hours on the road traveling. My family would ask me "Hannah, what are you thinking." I did not answer that question, because when they ask that, I forget what I was thinking and all that is in my mind then is the question "What am I thinking". I might not have been thinking much, I was just looking out to the vast world ahead of me, observing life and nature and probably pondering those thoughts and ideas that relate to nature. I look out to nature and know that there is much more to this earth and world then what we have been shown. That there is more to life then the here and now. It can be an awe-inspiring experience seeing how amazing God is in all that He has done dressing the earth with Beauty.

Next on my blog I will write about Houses. You will find out why. Road trips is a prelude to Houses. Houses were on my mind, but had to put road trips first to lead up to my observances of houses. Just wait....

Traveling Up North

Went on a road trip with my sisters. I enjoyed the music on the road and the differences we noticed of the different areas moving up north. It felt different to be up north again. It has been awhile since I was there but it felt good to visit and have a new perspective from the south that I have been in for quite awhile. Coming back down to the south was not very joyous for me because of the lack of financial security I have here, the lack of a good job, the housing situation, and all these added pressures build up all the time. It was a nice reprieve.

And since writing this note on traveling up north, I did get a job!! But I thought I would post this anyways.

The World Cup 2010: The ups and downs

I cannot believe that I have not been going through the journey of the world cup at a more regulated, continuous time. It is rather disappointing as I have had triumphs and let downs throughout this world cup. Some of the let downs were expected ones. I did not think that Switzerland and Japan would go very far but was hoping that they would still go further then they have before. Now before the negative, let me tell YOU about Switzerland and what I find to be the triumph of the nation, in terms of World Cup football (soccer). They were to play against Spain, and totally expected to lose. Commentators did not even have words to say about the Swiss they were so confident in Spain's ability to cream them. Can I just say that my status before the game remarked: "may Switzerland surprise everybody". I can tell you they did exactly that! Was a highly defensive game for Switzerland. That was their aim and goal. It was not a game of many goals and all, but we sure did kept those Spaniards from hitting target! (Kudos to our Swiss goalie). Now the moment of surprise...just wait....there is a scramble near the Spanish goal...and one of our Swiss players get out of the scramble with the ball and shoots it in!!! I did not even jump up right away because I was in shock. I waited till the scoreboard showed that Switzerland had one point and Spain 0. I was screaming, jumping up and down, going around in circles, totally elated at the fact that we had a one lead over Spain, the European Champions! Boy did we show them!! We stayed the amazing defensive wall and Spain never scored on us. We shocked the world of football (soccer)!! I like that Switzerland did that. Yes, later on they were not able to get past the group stage, but I do think that everyone remembered Switzerland and their shocking win against Spain. May I add that Switzerland also holds the record in the World Cup of the longest time of not conceding a goal. Yes, we are good at defense. Hopefully next time we will work on our offensive end of the game.

Japan also did well. Japan surprised the World Cup and actually got past the group stage, which on foreign soil that was a first. The game that Japan played against Denmark was a beautiful game that emphasized team work and surprise. Two free kicks given to Honda and Endo, both of them were able to score! First time in 36 years that that has happened! Unfortunately I was not able to watch Japan's last game, as I was at work, but later heard and saw the news of Japan's loss. Can I just say that Penalty kicks are a lousy way of winning? Very unfortunate way to lose and there is so much pressure on the goalie, I do not know how they keep it together. The whole weight of the team is on the goalie's shoulder. I think there should be some other way to break a tie than penalty kicks. This should not be on the goalie's shoulder alone. That does not speak team to me, but pressure from the team. How awful the goalie must feel when the PK's determine their loss. Your country is expecting and you alone were the one that determined their loss. The blaming that could ensue. To be a goalie they must be very strong and confident in their character. I have much respect for goal keepers. It is a high calling within the football (soccer) world.

I was cheering for Portugal because I like their team. They got fourth place in 2006 and I was hoping that this year they could get that far if not further. They would have been a surprise if they got up there. Unfortunately the way grouping went and how the group stage games were played, they were put to play with Spain in the round 16 stage. Spain is number 2 in the world and Portugal is number 3 in the world. I think it is sad that they had to meet them this early in the tournament. If they were placed elsewhere I think they would have still been in the Championship and would go much further into the championship. As it is, they did not get through.

Good news though! Brazil is still in the game and going strong!!! I cannot wait to see them proceed further into the Championship! They play so beautifully, they are like a well oiled machine. Great teamwork, footwork, their passing to each other is fast and smooth, and they are fast. They are a wonderful team to watch. I do not think anyone can argue that. They do tend to complain more then needs be sometimes though. Viva Brasil!!!

Lets see how this whole Championship ends up now.

If I Were To Write a Song about Job Hunting

If I Were To Write a Song on the Piano about Job Hunting it would sound something like this:

-Frustration ebbed into the expressions of the music
-Anger coming fourth through the pounding of the fingers
-The song would be slow (indicating the process and time it takes before a job might come)
-The frustration and anger would also play out in the fast, intense parts of the song
-It would not be a short song
-Definitely played in a minor key (aka not a happy song)
-There would be dissonance in the notes played
-Some motifs in the song would fail to finish just like many jobs fail to happen
-there would be many sad motifs for the disappointments presented in job hunting
-and until a job is found, the song will never end in victory
-once a job is found, then it will end in a victorious note
-the one playing the song must wear a suit as if in an interview
-parts of the musical story would include a dialogue as if in a continuous interview
-the player must at random points in the song portray crying, either verbally or through the piano
-there will be a lot of the lower bass played in the song as it is dark and daunting
-it is okay if the piano is out of tune as that would represent the lack of money for job hunting people

Comment if you can find more to put on this list. I think I am going to write an improve song for job hunting experience.

A house made for art

I enjoy a house where I can set up the table with my art and dedicate the space to my art. I would not have to set down all my art supplies but keep them handy on the table for me to pick up and draw or paint a picture just like that :). Well tonight I enjoyed being able to do that and for a weeks time I will have a table dedicated to my art and will not use it for anything else. Once I get my own place I will find a room where it can be my art studio. If I could do that now and know that my art would sell then I would go ahead and find my own place and set up shop. Maybe I won't be a starving artist all the time.

Surprises in the World Cup

I am hoping for a World Cup full of surprises. We already have one or two surprises. England did not win the game against USA, which was unexpected as England is typically the better team. The goal that America made was a fortunate goal, not a beautiful goal like England made. The next surprise was Japan (Nippon) WINNING in their game against Cameroon. This was not expected and what the commentators said to be "the biggest upset of the World Cup so far". Not a big upset for me :) :) I am glad for Japan. I do not know how far they will go but they do have 3 points and so lets just hope they do well by either equalizing or winning their next games. :) I hope that either an underdog gets up there or a good team but not the expected top team be in the championship. I am thinking Portugal would be a great surprise. If it does have to be a top team I am hoping Brazil or Germany. I am hoping that Italy vs. Paraguay stays equalized, so that does not give Italy a lot of points but just one point. If Italy wins this World Cup they would be equal in Championships with Brazil and I do not want that to happen. Of course this is my opinion. I do love watching the World Cup!! Let's see what other surprises come about in this 2010 World Cup in South Africa! :) I am anticipating Switzerland vs. Spain. I will be wearing my Swiss shirt and cheering crazy. I hope this is a surprise with Switzerland doing well.

World Cup 2010 Anticipation and Preparation!!

The anticipation for the World Cup 2010 has me putting into my phone calendar the days and times of the games I want to watch! I wonder how this World Cup will turn out. My experience of the world cups in the past, it is a bunch of roller coaster rides with the teams one cheers for, but yet it is worth following the teams you cheer for. I do not have just one team I am cheering for. I have one I would like to win, but seeing how some valuable players are injured, I am doubting the possibility. I am hoping that I do not get extremely upset over the outcomes of games when they are not going the way I hoped. I get really competitive and involved in whatever game I watch. I have to watch myself. Oh I am looking forward to some AMAZING goals!!! And goal saves!!! One thing I have noticed about the World Cup is that the really good players that everyone knows about tend to have two or three opponents on them and so you do not see the amazing football moves they are known for. It can be frustrating but then there are also good moments. Altogether a great experience. The time zone is not as crazy as last time. Four years ago I was in Japan and we would wake up at 4 to watch a game if we had to. My family is pretty dedicated to this. I am more then the rest of my family. I remember when I was in younger elementary grade, my parents would wake us all up at 4 in the morning and have us watch the World Cup championship. I know it was Brazil in the Championship and that was one of the years that they won!! We were happy! I remember that time still. Lets just say we love football (Real Football)(What America calls Soccer). Well I will probably be writing more on this as the journey of World Cup 2010 progresses (or regresses depending on what teams end up on top).

One of those days

I just have had one of those days where everything just does not go the way you wished. It feels like sinking into sand slowly but surely. Hopefully tomorrow goes better. With this economy and my current situation and the possibility of being a "delay fish" I have a hard time talking to my parents, because the whole conversation revolves around jobs and whether I got one or have been working to try to find one. I miss the conversations where I can talk about my day and what I like and enjoy. Makes me not want to call them. I decided I would anyways, and I got into the predicted conversation I knew would happen, getting the full brunt of frustration and criticism from their end. Just as I predicted. Go figure. I am tired, I might have checked out. Maybe that is wrong. I will get through. One day at a time.....

Am I a Delay Fish?

When I get asked the question "What are you up to?" "What are you doing?" I think to myself. What am I really doing? Really what is being asked is what the heck are you doing with your life? At this moment I have no response to these questions....I am at a standstill in my life and I really wonder when things will pick up and move on for me. I would be what people would call a delay fish (Oh I love Dory) That is how I feel I am delaying myself and yet I do not get myself out of this place in my life. I have the power to get out and yet I stay. I think it is the artist in me, trying to hold on to the idea that my talent and gifts will be how I earn my way in life....but really and truly I am a starving artist....just in denial and holding onto hope that my art will pull through for me. I guess I could answer to the question "What are you up to?" with "I am very involved in my art and music and loving it!!" I am truly loving being involved in my art and music!! The rest of my life at the moment is a bit more tough to answer about. I answer with "Nothing" (Not very promising) I guess I can go from saying "Nothing" to saying "Art! That is what I am doing." Hopefully they won't probe into that more....something will happen I know....just at a standstill....hopefully won't be for very long.