Balloons and feelings....

Ever thought about a deflated balloon. Probably not. When the balloon is at it's greatest, full of air, floating and being bounced around, it was in it's peak. Souring and making other's smile and laugh while they try to keep it up in the air. Or helping decorate a house for celebratory reasons. Either a balloon gets popped or they gradually wither away. The end product is a wrinkled, slimy, sad looking product that no one looks at twice. I feel that deflated, withered, useless feeling at times.

Thoughts of confusion, frustration, irritation at myself. Am I at a standstill? Am I making my circumstances? Are choices I made not the ones I should have made? Two weeks ago, it was a hard week of disappointments and frustrations. Those times come but they also go. I cannot wait till they go. They will be back again but I need my motivation back. I need to somehow get out of this funk that I am in.

Holidays are coming. I am not one of those that is looking forward to them. I am scrooge. Call me Scrooge Hannah. When you can't be with family, it is really hard to be excited for any of these upcoming holidays. I don't want people to expect me to be happy. I will put on my "happy" face for others, but inside I am crying.

I do not want or need anything for Christmas. All I would like to have is to be with my family. I would ask for no gifts for years on end to be with my family this holiday.

I have to admit that it is hard for me to see families during the holidays. It makes me have to hold a tear, and hold back a sob at times. I loved those days with my families. I would be able to curl up against my parents and just be content and feel completely safe, and that all is right in the world. Here, on my own, feels more like I am out in the cold, scared and alone.

As I am sounding really down and depressed, I am grateful that my older sister will be with me. It is hard for both of us to be away. We would rather Christmas day to just be another day, nothing special, no missed family. I guess I have come to realize how much I treasured Christmas with my family, because it is the hardest holiday to get through for me. It becomes a battle I need to conquer every year. I am told that at least I have my sister with me, in which I am thankful for. It has been us two for the past 4 years. We are both struggling through these upcoming holidays.

It is going to be tough working at the bakery this Christmas holiday. Everyone coming with their Christmas cheer, preparing baskets upon baskets for gifts to all. All the decorations to be seen. I will stay strong. I can't wait till January and everything calms down and it can be normal days of being far apart. The normal day to day, where I am still the same long distance away from family is more bearable then the Holiday season.