The Time Has Come to Teach....

The time has come. I am about to embark on my new job. I have gotten training and have had a month and a half break, and now it is back to the grindstone. How am I feeling about this new job? At the current moment, I am feeling nervous and a bit frightened. The school system here is so vastly different from the western world and I am going to be a part of it now. This is going to be a very different experience but I am excited. More excited about getting the hang of it and understanding how the school runs and my role in the school. Right now I will be very new, clueless and trying to learn the ropes. I do not like that feeling but I know that I won't be like this the whole time. I just have to get through the first week. I just have this feeling of wishing I could already be at the "I got this" stage, knowing the ropes, knowing that I can teach English well, and knowing more of their language.

I have been learning some kanji now. I have learned five so far....I have so much more to go. But I learned the Kanji for sun (hi) 日, Year (toshi) 年, Round/Circle (Maru)円 (it is also yen), Big/Great (oo) 大, Country (kuni)国! :) I am hoping that being in the schools will help me learn the language as well, being amongst the students and teachers.

I got my bicycle!! It is so nice to be able to get places with it! I love this mode of transportation. The other day I was biking to the subway station and was thinking "Wow I am really here in Japan. Not visiting. I am staying here, I have a bike and a job here." I guess it just hit me. Or hit me again. There is just moments where you realize that you really aren't where you were a month ago. Life is different from my life back in America, and I have to embrace it and learn all I can from this time that God has for me here. How is this experience going to affect my life? We shall see.

I know it has been awhile since I have written on my blog. I have had a great month with my parents and meeting new friends. I have been able to hang out with new friends, get to know the city a little more, relax and settle into my current room (until I find my own apartment).

I Don't Know

I realize I say the phrase "I don't know" a lot. It's common to say when you don't know something. Life has a lot of unanswered questions. It is easy to say "I don't know" to life's questions and trying figure out one's life. So I thought, well what else could I say instead of "I don't know", so that when I am explaining my life to myself or someone else, the phrase "I don't know" does not have to come up every other word (exaggeration). Here are some suggestions that you could use in replace of "I don't know" You could say:
-I'm not sure
-that is unanswerable at this moment
-I am thoroughly confused about that point
-(complete silence)
-My life is a puzzle that is not put together yet
-No answer is coming to me yet
-Is that a rhetorical question you are asking me? Please be a rhetorical question you are asking....
-Learn how to say "I don't know" in other languages....
-Let me ponder that question for a very long time, enough time that you will get bored and forget you asked me that question
-Only God knows
-Not even my therapist knows
-I am not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel on that question....
-Ask me that question in 10 years
-I might need to go up to a cabin in the woods and ponder that question before I give you an answer
-Ask me that question after I get my third doctorate
-I don't have answers to anything until I have had my 10th cup of coffee...and I am only on my third
-Oh, were you asking me? I totally thought you were asking the person behind me
-Let me take this phone call, it is very, very important and I cannot answer that question, as I have a very important call, not because I do not know the answer to that question, it's just that I have a very important phone call from an important person, and I must answer this call right this moment when you asked me that question. So sorry

I think you get my point. Add on if you can think of some other ideas of what can be said in replace of "I don't know"....I am up for suggestions!

Chapter two: My First Earthquake Since Being in Sapporo

I got to see my parents in action in their ministry with International students Thursday morning. An Indian couple was moving back to India and a group of people were there wishing them well and these are international people that go to their bible study. It was really cool to see this community of people from around the world gather around this couple and pray for them. It reminded me of my goodbye party and having all my friends around me praying for me. It is cool how where ever you go, you can already feel connected with others. I was sad to see this Indian couple go, even though I never knew them before. From what others said to them as a farewell, I could see it would have been cool to have gotten to know this couple. Plus, I love Indian culture, food and dress :)

I then went to my parents mission prayer meeting. Every Thursday all the OMF missionaries gather together for a time of worship, prayer and discussion. It was really cool to see the fellowship and gathering of missionaries. I love being around other OMF missionaries. It brings back memories as a child meeting all the missionaries at conferences and different meetings we would go to. Being able to meet up with other missionaries, to encourage and pray for each other goes a long way. Gives you strength! I loved meeting them. I never knew many missionaries up in Sapporo because we were in Tokyo growing up.

My dad and the team that went down to the Iwate prefecture, where they helped in the disaster area did a presentation of what is going on down there, and what they did and their impressions about it. Your heart hurts for all that is going on and hearing stories from those that went was interesting. I am glad I was able to be there and hear them. It hit me that I am now in the same land as the devastation and that maybe sometime in the next year I could go down and help. Which would be a really good thing to do. My dad wants us to go down in August and stay at our cabins by the beach. Probably to help out, not so much for vacation. Our cabins are standing but the whole village is gone.

While we were in the meeting, and they were sharing about their experience in Iwate, I experienced my first earthquake since I have been here in Sapporo. We were all sitting and listening, and then you just felt like you were being rocked back and forth very slightly. It makes you a little bit dizzy. But we just kept sitting there and listening. It was not very big, but you could definitely feel it. I thought to myself: I haven't felt these in a long time....I told my mom that we are alright, not to worry. It was interesting, it didn't phase anyone. As long as it is small, everything is good. The bigger shakes are on the Honshu island.

Today I went with my mom to meet some international mom's and their children at a little play area on top of a department store. It was really loud there and there were so many children. The kids running around, playing, laughing, and jumping all over the place were adorable and so cute. I got to ride a train today :) I haven't ridden a Japanese train in so long. All these familiar activities that used to be a part of my daily life in Japan, is finally returning to my life.

I will be going to Tokyo in a few weeks, visiting friends and then going to orientation for my job. I am looking forward to the time. In a few days, my parents and I are going up to our mission's cabin that is on a lake! I am really excited!!! Nature out here in Hokkaido is beautiful!

One more comment: Outside my parents window, and everywhere in Sapporo you can see the mountains!! They are still full of snow. I love being able to see mountains again. They aren't as magnificent as the ones in Switzerland, but they are beautiful! My dad and I are thinking about going skiing, as it might snow tomorrow. I am not too sure if I am excited about the snow in April. But I got to get used to the cold weather. Instead of experiencing two springs, I get to experience three. This is because I already experienced blossoms in Cleveland. When I go to Tokyo, the blossoms will be in full bloom, and then I come back up here, and it will still be cold. May is when the blossoms will come out in Sapporo! What a blessing!

I am sleeping well, and waking up a little later every day. I have been waking up at 5, but today I managed to get back to sleep. I am going to get rid of this jet lag, and hopefully soon.

Chapter One of the Japan Chapter of my Adult Life

I woke up in Japan, where 40 hours before i had woken up in America. Hard to believe that in such a short time I am across the ocean, in a new city and my parents are just down the hall from me. I have somebody to hug in the morning and when I go back to sleep. That is a nice thought. My trip was good. It was a long trip. I do not have a story of adventure from my travels.

I packed up my life into two suitcases (and some to be shipped to me later) and a carry on and a briefcase (which is a huge art bag actually). I stuffed my carry-on and bag. They were so heavy. Was painful to walk to the different terminals and sections of airport. Traveling alone makes you really appreciate others. When you have someone you are traveling with, you do not have to take everything with you to the bathroom, to get a snack, etc.

I flew into Sapporo and my parents came and picked me up. Was so awesome to see them. It almost seemed unreal. I felt that I was dreaming, and that us hugging was a figment of my imagination. But it so was not! It was the real thing. They are here and I am here with them. I can't wait to see their neighborhood, the church, the many friends they tell me about, and the city of Sapporo. I did not grow up here, so it is not my childhood home of Tokyo, but it will be the city I live in for the next few years.

So driving from the airport, I had to catch myself from telling dad that he is turning onto the wrong lane. I would catch my breath, and then remember that they drive on the left here. And guess what else I saw....SNOW.....piles of it all over. They pile them up so high. The roads are clear and safe to drive on, but you have piles of snow. I do not know when they will melt. Mom said probably May. Oh goody....So I am back to cold weather. My second winter in 2011, but then I will get a second spring as well :) I get blossoms twice this year!! That is a blessing because I love blossoms.

The houses in Sapporo look different from Tokyo . They are more square/boxed shape with flat roofs. In Tokyo they have a lot more traditional Japanese houses. These houses are made more for snow. It still looks like Japan. Just not the Japan I grew up in, as the houses look a little different. But inside is typical Japanese! I love it! I came into my parents apartment and like little trivial things I would not think twice about before, I now notice. The light switches are completely different from America. The kitchen is different, the way the house looks and made, is so different. It is hard to explain but I will try to take photo's of the place and post it on here.

Saying goodbye to my sister and my friends have been hard. Saying goodbye to my sister at the airport went well, as in we did not bawl our heads off. But then later, when I was sitting in Chicago I was thinking about whether that was actually a good thing. I think we both just stayed strong, held our emotion in for later. But I almost wonder if that was not a good closure. Why did I not want to show Andrea that I was aching in side. I remember when Andrea and I said goodbye to Rebekah we all were bawling, tears flowing strong. I think I have been trying really hard to be strong because the emotion of saying goodbye hurts so much. I still have not had a big cry for saying goodbye to my sister. I feel it coming, its in my throat right now, but I probably will swallow it. I know it will come, I know I will have a big cry over saying goodbye to her. Andrea and Rebekah are such amazing sisters to me. Andrea helped me so much with packing. She has a big heart and I sometimes feel so undeserving of her love. Love within family can be a glimpse of the love God has for us.

I love all my friends in Cleveland. I was sad to say goodbye. It was really hard to say goodbye to the Ito's, who have been my family away from home. It felt like I was saying goodbye to family members, it hurt so bad having to say goodbye to them. It was hard to hold my emotions in, and I failed. My emotions just broke free, especially right after they drove off. It is weird that I will not be able to drive over to their house and get bombarded by hugs and kisses from the kids. I know that crying can be a good part of closure and I stayed strong saying goodbye to many. But that does not mean it did not hurt to say goodbye. I just cry later about the goodbye's. It possible trying to stay strong and not cry is a defense mechanism. I have had to say a lot of goodbye's throughout my life. All of you in Cleveland and Atlanta mean a lot to me and I hope we keep in contact, despite the distance. At least read my blog :) I love comments too!

Well I am going to go say good morning to my parents and give them a hug :) I can actually do that!!! Let's see what this first day brings! I am excited!!!

A Heap of Change

My mom told me that I was a baby who thrived with a schedule. I had to have my daily routine just so, or it would throw me off. Growing up, I learned that change is inevitable and that it happens all around me. I learned that it is easier to cope with small changes to your life, but the big changes is still a struggle to grasp and get used to.

As I have had to move a lot throughout my life, you would thing I would be used to change (I have counted, and I have 26 moves within my 25 years of life so far, going on 27 moves soon). I deal with change, but I don't tend to strive for change. Once I get used to a place, and the life I live there, it is hard for me to choose otherwise.

At the end of November, a job opportunity came up that my parents told me about. It was a job in Japan, to teach English. I did not really think much about it. When they emailed me again with more information about the job, I realized that it was a great opportunity for paying off loans and the chance to go back home for a while. When this realization hit me, I was filled with mixed emotions. Both excited for this great opportunity and saddened at the realization that there was a chance I would have to move and leave a lot of friends that have become like family to me. After a bit of crazy emotions ebbing through me about the whole situation, a peace came over me. I decided that I would go for this job opportunity full force, trying as hard to get the job, and if it was not to happen, God would definitely close the door. I filled out the application, got the phone interview, passed that and was scheduled for a seminar/in-person interview in January. I had a lot to prepare for that. I was a bunch of nerves the week of the interview. I went to the interview. A few weeks later I found out that I got accepted! I was excited and overwhelmed. I went for this job, and got it!

That is my heap of change. I am moving overseas! I will be returning to the country where I grew up in, but I know that going there as an adult and working in their school system is going to be a complete different experience from the Japan that I grew up in. This is a big change for me, and I am not sure yet if it has completely hit me that it is actually happening. I chose change. I am choosing to leave sturdy ground but God is carrying me through and only by God's grace will He get me there and help me through the many changes that will inevitably happen, both in these next few months before I leave, and when I do leave.

They have not placed me yet, so I do not know where in Japan I am going to be living, but I am hoping that they place me where my parents are.

Balloons and feelings....

Ever thought about a deflated balloon. Probably not. When the balloon is at it's greatest, full of air, floating and being bounced around, it was in it's peak. Souring and making other's smile and laugh while they try to keep it up in the air. Or helping decorate a house for celebratory reasons. Either a balloon gets popped or they gradually wither away. The end product is a wrinkled, slimy, sad looking product that no one looks at twice. I feel that deflated, withered, useless feeling at times.

Thoughts of confusion, frustration, irritation at myself. Am I at a standstill? Am I making my circumstances? Are choices I made not the ones I should have made? Two weeks ago, it was a hard week of disappointments and frustrations. Those times come but they also go. I cannot wait till they go. They will be back again but I need my motivation back. I need to somehow get out of this funk that I am in.

Holidays are coming. I am not one of those that is looking forward to them. I am scrooge. Call me Scrooge Hannah. When you can't be with family, it is really hard to be excited for any of these upcoming holidays. I don't want people to expect me to be happy. I will put on my "happy" face for others, but inside I am crying.

I do not want or need anything for Christmas. All I would like to have is to be with my family. I would ask for no gifts for years on end to be with my family this holiday.

I have to admit that it is hard for me to see families during the holidays. It makes me have to hold a tear, and hold back a sob at times. I loved those days with my families. I would be able to curl up against my parents and just be content and feel completely safe, and that all is right in the world. Here, on my own, feels more like I am out in the cold, scared and alone.

As I am sounding really down and depressed, I am grateful that my older sister will be with me. It is hard for both of us to be away. We would rather Christmas day to just be another day, nothing special, no missed family. I guess I have come to realize how much I treasured Christmas with my family, because it is the hardest holiday to get through for me. It becomes a battle I need to conquer every year. I am told that at least I have my sister with me, in which I am thankful for. It has been us two for the past 4 years. We are both struggling through these upcoming holidays.

It is going to be tough working at the bakery this Christmas holiday. Everyone coming with their Christmas cheer, preparing baskets upon baskets for gifts to all. All the decorations to be seen. I will stay strong. I can't wait till January and everything calms down and it can be normal days of being far apart. The normal day to day, where I am still the same long distance away from family is more bearable then the Holiday season.

I am a puzzle....

A torn, confused puzzle. Puzzle pieces spread on the table. My life is a puzzle, and that most of my pieces are spread on the table and not yet connected. Each piece is an experience, a gift, a characteristic, a talent, a past, a present, a future. Most are disconnected. Some of the pieces have been pieced together. Mainly the past. The present and future are still the disconnected, unknowing pieces on the table. God knows the complete picture at the end of the road. The process of getting the pieces connected is a journey full of joy, sadness, gratefulness, hardships, obstacles and many life lessons. How I am feeling right now is that some of those pieces that I thought were connected and made sense, are now being torn and broken apart again. Am I putting the wrong puzzle pieces together? Should I be putting other ones together? It is a good thing that I am not the one putting the puzzle together, but it makes me wonder if I still am trying to put it together by myself. What will my picture look like when it is all connected?